Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.
My best friend has gone to University, and he's having the time of his life. I'm missing him a lot more than I had originally thought, I've done nothing but mope around and smoke weed all the while feeling incredibly sorry for myself.
Today I made a mistake that's becoming alarmingly popular, I'll start writing him a text asking him to come over, only for me to remember he's not in the Steadding anymore...
I guess I took for granted how much it meant to me having someone who is close to me around me all of the time like that, every night we'd get retarded, listen to music and shoot the shit... now I don't have any of that anymore.
I still have friends but its not the same, its not the same as when he came over.
But this is how the world works, and again I am in no unique position. I'm sure many people have experienced what I'm going through right now, usually this train of thought makes me feel better about situations, but not this time.
But I'll never let him know how much I miss him, because he's making the most of himself and I don't want to ruin that for him. So instead I'll slowly crawl back under that rock that I used to be under, I'll start watching everyone around me pass me by whilst I wallow in self pity.
The next 12 months will be the hardest I've ever had to endure, I pray to whatever higher being that they send some good news my way. I'm due some.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Oddworld.
I'm sorry for the lack of updates, perhaps I haven't been feeling like a moody teenage since my birthday. Things haven't been bad, but they've not been good either. My days have been pretty mediocre at best, I could almost predict how they would end up.
I was meaning to write a post about my birthday and I never got around to it, until now. I hope you're comfortable, get your drug of choice ready - I have a feeling this post may be a little bit longer than usual.
I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but around my birthday I tend to shy away from people and lock myself away. I don't like birthdays, well actually that's a lie, I don't like my birthdays. I'm the sort of person that very rarely gets excited, I take everything with a pinch of salt. I like to think I have a good grasp of everything around me, nothing is new or original, its just there and I'm just making the most of how it can service me. I'm content with everything, every event, everything.
Apart from my birthday. Perhaps it stems from being a child, I never had a proper birthday party, I never had friends over on my birthday, I never had a party at 'Wacky Warehouse' (No matter how much I pestered my mum). My mum would cook something or we'd go for a pub dinner, then we'd have birthday cake, I'd go to bed and that would be it - birthday over and done with, no songs, no dancing, no friends. Over and done with, seemingly in the blink of an eye.
Its been like that every year for as long as I can remember. My 18th was a little bit better, to say the least, she had made a pretty big effort in trying to make it a little bit special, but at the end of the day ( as much as I appreciated the effort ) my 18th was just like any other birthday, no friends, no songs, no dancing, no singing, no good times. Just a meal at a pub/restaurant, birthday cake, and then its the next day and my birthday had passed in the blink of an eye, yet again. The only thing that made it any different was the fact I woke up next to someone I genuinely loved. It was nice to receive a kiss and a 'happy birthday, gorgeous'.
This year was no different, a week or so prior to my birthday I started shunning people away, didn't mention what was happening, and moped around like morbid Melvin. All the while secretly hoping that when Sunday came around, I'd arrive at my step dads house to find all my family friends waiting for me, to have a good time and celebrate me turning 19.
Then on Friday my mum rang me to tell me that only a small portion of the family could come, which I didn't class a big deal as I have a family so large, a small portion of it would probably be large compared to someones else family.
So Sunday came around and I arrived in Chesterfield at my step-dads house. The family slowly but surely started to arrive. No one wished me a happy birthday, no one had gotten me a card. No one asked if I was having a good day, or how I was feeling. I was ignored completely, they were all far too interested in looking at my Aunt Ruth's holiday photographs.
I went home, smoked a joint that was far too big for me to handle on my own. I got in the shower with all the lights off with "Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago" playing. I don't remember much apart from turning the lights back on after the album had finished and thinking I had a set of ten old mens faces on the tips of my fingers.
A few days before, however, I had tried organizing a meal for me and some friends. No one came.
My birthday, in short, was shit. Just like it has been every other year, I've decided that from now on I won't be celebrating my birthday anymore, its just the one day of the year I get my hopes up for, only to be disappointed. No more birthdays for Jack, that's the last birthday I'll celebrate.
I was meaning to write a post about my birthday and I never got around to it, until now. I hope you're comfortable, get your drug of choice ready - I have a feeling this post may be a little bit longer than usual.
I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but around my birthday I tend to shy away from people and lock myself away. I don't like birthdays, well actually that's a lie, I don't like my birthdays. I'm the sort of person that very rarely gets excited, I take everything with a pinch of salt. I like to think I have a good grasp of everything around me, nothing is new or original, its just there and I'm just making the most of how it can service me. I'm content with everything, every event, everything.
Apart from my birthday. Perhaps it stems from being a child, I never had a proper birthday party, I never had friends over on my birthday, I never had a party at 'Wacky Warehouse' (No matter how much I pestered my mum). My mum would cook something or we'd go for a pub dinner, then we'd have birthday cake, I'd go to bed and that would be it - birthday over and done with, no songs, no dancing, no friends. Over and done with, seemingly in the blink of an eye.
Its been like that every year for as long as I can remember. My 18th was a little bit better, to say the least, she had made a pretty big effort in trying to make it a little bit special, but at the end of the day ( as much as I appreciated the effort ) my 18th was just like any other birthday, no friends, no songs, no dancing, no singing, no good times. Just a meal at a pub/restaurant, birthday cake, and then its the next day and my birthday had passed in the blink of an eye, yet again. The only thing that made it any different was the fact I woke up next to someone I genuinely loved. It was nice to receive a kiss and a 'happy birthday, gorgeous'.
This year was no different, a week or so prior to my birthday I started shunning people away, didn't mention what was happening, and moped around like morbid Melvin. All the while secretly hoping that when Sunday came around, I'd arrive at my step dads house to find all my family friends waiting for me, to have a good time and celebrate me turning 19.
Then on Friday my mum rang me to tell me that only a small portion of the family could come, which I didn't class a big deal as I have a family so large, a small portion of it would probably be large compared to someones else family.
So Sunday came around and I arrived in Chesterfield at my step-dads house. The family slowly but surely started to arrive. No one wished me a happy birthday, no one had gotten me a card. No one asked if I was having a good day, or how I was feeling. I was ignored completely, they were all far too interested in looking at my Aunt Ruth's holiday photographs.
I went home, smoked a joint that was far too big for me to handle on my own. I got in the shower with all the lights off with "Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago" playing. I don't remember much apart from turning the lights back on after the album had finished and thinking I had a set of ten old mens faces on the tips of my fingers.
A few days before, however, I had tried organizing a meal for me and some friends. No one came.
My birthday, in short, was shit. Just like it has been every other year, I've decided that from now on I won't be celebrating my birthday anymore, its just the one day of the year I get my hopes up for, only to be disappointed. No more birthdays for Jack, that's the last birthday I'll celebrate.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Alpha, Beta... Omega
We (the collective we) Omegas are the lowest of the low. Society looks down on us, barely acknowledges us, hurts us, belittles us... They live their lives seemingly problem free, where as we get to handle the shit they cause.
They outcast us, don't allow us in their social circles. So most of us don't speak to many other people, reducing our chances to meet others like ourselves.
As time moves on, the more hurt we experience, the more we become accustomed to our loneliness. The defenses around our hearts and emotions grow taller and stronger, some people may take a liking to us and try to get to know us, but because of selfish people before them our defenses are strong, and they never break through them. Leaving us alone once again, wondering how we've deserved the curse we carry.
Perhaps its just me clinging desperately onto that last scrap of naivety I have, I shrug my shoulders and I move on, my defenses get stronger... In hope that one day someone will come a long and see the true potential with me. They'll break down those defenses and take a peek at the true me, and they'll love what they see. Slowly but surely all the trust issues, all the hurt, all the anxiousness and all of the pent up sadness will diminish, all because that one person persisted.
I wait patiently in anticipation for my fortress to crumble at the hands of another.
They outcast us, don't allow us in their social circles. So most of us don't speak to many other people, reducing our chances to meet others like ourselves.
As time moves on, the more hurt we experience, the more we become accustomed to our loneliness. The defenses around our hearts and emotions grow taller and stronger, some people may take a liking to us and try to get to know us, but because of selfish people before them our defenses are strong, and they never break through them. Leaving us alone once again, wondering how we've deserved the curse we carry.
Perhaps its just me clinging desperately onto that last scrap of naivety I have, I shrug my shoulders and I move on, my defenses get stronger... In hope that one day someone will come a long and see the true potential with me. They'll break down those defenses and take a peek at the true me, and they'll love what they see. Slowly but surely all the trust issues, all the hurt, all the anxiousness and all of the pent up sadness will diminish, all because that one person persisted.
I wait patiently in anticipation for my fortress to crumble at the hands of another.
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Flume
In about 25 minutes I will be turning 19 years old. I wave farewell to the 'best year of my life' and say hello to just another year. I'm sure that around this time of year everyone goes through that brief period where they reflect upon their lives so far, they weigh up the good and the bad times and determine if they've had a good life or not. I'm sure everyone does it... Right?
Well today that is exactly what I've done. No matter what I've been doing, in the very back of my brain I've been reflecting, and wondering, about my life so far. I had to really strain to think of good times I've had, because the bad memories would be far more prominent. Perhaps this is because these are times that have made me a much stronger person, or perhaps just because I'm a morbid cunto.
So I determined my life has been shite so far, and I start to wonder how different being 19 will be to being 18. My guess is not very much, but I do have this overwhelming voice shouting inside my cranium: "Work hard, Jack! This is the last chance you've got!" over and over. I'm determined to do well at college, start saving my money. I need to sort my life out, and sharpish.
I'm scared this year is going to be another shit one, where nothing good happens. To be honest, I can see it happening already.
On a lighter note, I think I found the second steadding. In the wheel of time books, their are a few steaddings dotted about the world. I'm starting to think that our world might be the same as that.
The second steadding is located on the border between North Wales and England. Oswestry. I've never been to a place I so instantly felt at home and welcomed at.
I have to visit there again at some point, its beautiful.
Well today that is exactly what I've done. No matter what I've been doing, in the very back of my brain I've been reflecting, and wondering, about my life so far. I had to really strain to think of good times I've had, because the bad memories would be far more prominent. Perhaps this is because these are times that have made me a much stronger person, or perhaps just because I'm a morbid cunto.
So I determined my life has been shite so far, and I start to wonder how different being 19 will be to being 18. My guess is not very much, but I do have this overwhelming voice shouting inside my cranium: "Work hard, Jack! This is the last chance you've got!" over and over. I'm determined to do well at college, start saving my money. I need to sort my life out, and sharpish.
I'm scared this year is going to be another shit one, where nothing good happens. To be honest, I can see it happening already.
On a lighter note, I think I found the second steadding. In the wheel of time books, their are a few steaddings dotted about the world. I'm starting to think that our world might be the same as that.
The second steadding is located on the border between North Wales and England. Oswestry. I've never been to a place I so instantly felt at home and welcomed at.
I have to visit there again at some point, its beautiful.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Thusly things begin to get deep again.
So many things to discuss with you. Try to make yourself comfortable, and before I begin writing this blog post I will tell you, I've smoked too much and I feel a little bit ill. I'm not proud of that, In fact I'm ashamed. I pride myself on knowing my limits but today I've taken the piss and that's not nice. However I'm hoping to tap into that part of my brain that doesn't usually come out, so I can somewhat help myself. I'm already there in a way, its just getting it down.
Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.
Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.
I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.
But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.
I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.
I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.
However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.
Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.
But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.
I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.
I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.
Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.
Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.
I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.
But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.
I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.
I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.
However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.
Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.
But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.
I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.
I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Don't worry, man. I'll go to the loonie bin with you
If I keep this up, the loonie bin is where I'll end up.
I can't really recall anything from this weekend that has been of any significance. Two student scum watching movies with fits of the giggles eating cheese on toast like its going out of fashion. I'm a living stereotype. Is that a good thing? Is it good for people to distinguish you as 'that one guy'. Personally I'm not sure, I've got a lot of good memories associated with my 'stereotype'. None bad as of yet.
But what does this say about me as a person? Is it a bad thing that I'm like this, do society look upon me with disapproving or amused eyes? I personally believe, and this may or may not have anything to do with my state of mind, that I should not care. I know what I'm worth.
I'm also at a time in my life where in just a mere 12 months I'll be going to university, and whenever I think about that I nearly soil myself with nerves. I'm not sure exactly where these nerves stem from, other than the fact going to university is actually something to be nervous about, but more of a "I'm going to lose everything" sort of nerve, I'll have to rebuild my life again and I don't want to, its terrifying.
Although I know where this stems from. Her. When she went to uni I lost her, and thus everything. I'm scared the same is going to happen, to a degree.
Never mind. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, if any of you reading this are interested, or want to give me your opinion, here are my 5 university choices.
1.) Edinburgh Napier
2.) Brighton Uni
3.) Manchester Met
4.) Sheffield Hallam
5.) Northampton Uni
I can't really recall anything from this weekend that has been of any significance. Two student scum watching movies with fits of the giggles eating cheese on toast like its going out of fashion. I'm a living stereotype. Is that a good thing? Is it good for people to distinguish you as 'that one guy'. Personally I'm not sure, I've got a lot of good memories associated with my 'stereotype'. None bad as of yet.
But what does this say about me as a person? Is it a bad thing that I'm like this, do society look upon me with disapproving or amused eyes? I personally believe, and this may or may not have anything to do with my state of mind, that I should not care. I know what I'm worth.
I'm also at a time in my life where in just a mere 12 months I'll be going to university, and whenever I think about that I nearly soil myself with nerves. I'm not sure exactly where these nerves stem from, other than the fact going to university is actually something to be nervous about, but more of a "I'm going to lose everything" sort of nerve, I'll have to rebuild my life again and I don't want to, its terrifying.
Although I know where this stems from. Her. When she went to uni I lost her, and thus everything. I'm scared the same is going to happen, to a degree.
Never mind. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, if any of you reading this are interested, or want to give me your opinion, here are my 5 university choices.
1.) Edinburgh Napier
2.) Brighton Uni
3.) Manchester Met
4.) Sheffield Hallam
5.) Northampton Uni
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Returning to the Steadding.
Now before I continue with this post I want to say that I apologize for my lack of update in the past few weeks, I also want to explain what a Steadding is. As far as I know its not even a proper word. It comes from my favorite set of books: The Wheel of Time. The Steadding is a place where the Ogier live, they can leave the Steadding but if they're away for a long period of time they start to die, and have to return. The books spoke to me in such a way that they changed my life, and opened my eyes to a lot. So much so I got the Wheel of Time logo permanently tattooed on my skin forever.
This past week I've been staying with relatives who live a bit up north, looking after my cousins. Which I don't mind as I love my cousins to bits, they're young and have that "I can do ANYTHING" attitude. Its refreshing.
I stayed there Sunday-Friday. By Wednesday the Steadding was calling for me, I did nothing but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself, I hate the house where I live but my town is amazing. A stones throw away from everything and all my friends are close by, I could never leave this town if I tried.
The same could be said for any place where somebody lives, but South Yorkshire has this pull on me, it keeps me sane, my comfort zone. I cannot explain to you the hold it has on me.
All day Friday I was clock watching, waiting for my ride home to get here so I could return back to the steadding. I was pale, I had cold sweats, I was answering with single words.
The car journey home I felt no better, in fact I felt worse. Then it happened. As soon as the car passed from North Yorkshire to South, I was fine. I picked immediately back up. I was home, back in the steadding. Back in my steadding.
On Thursday my best friend got his A level results and got into his university of choice. I cried myself to sleep that night, I was so upset I couldn't have been there. I was upset that in a matter of weeks my best friend of 18 years will be leaving me and I won't be seeing him as often anymore. I'll have next to nothing left for me, no one to smoke weed and get deep with. No one there to tell me everything is ok, no one to watch obscure Sitcoms with.
Last night I got us an 1/8th, I rolled a big spliff and before lighting it I told him:
"To the first day, of the rest of our lives"
Neither him nor me are the type of people to wear our hearts on our sleeve. But it was safe to say that we were both touched.
But as my world begins to slowly crumble away once again, when life has fucked me hard. I refuse to be fucked. I will stand up tall and over come these demons, these chains of unfortunate events will no longer bind me and I will stand up tall and scream my name from the rooftops. My name is Jack, and I am here to fuck shit up and show the world I am worth something. Everything.
This past week I've been staying with relatives who live a bit up north, looking after my cousins. Which I don't mind as I love my cousins to bits, they're young and have that "I can do ANYTHING" attitude. Its refreshing.
I stayed there Sunday-Friday. By Wednesday the Steadding was calling for me, I did nothing but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself, I hate the house where I live but my town is amazing. A stones throw away from everything and all my friends are close by, I could never leave this town if I tried.
The same could be said for any place where somebody lives, but South Yorkshire has this pull on me, it keeps me sane, my comfort zone. I cannot explain to you the hold it has on me.
All day Friday I was clock watching, waiting for my ride home to get here so I could return back to the steadding. I was pale, I had cold sweats, I was answering with single words.
The car journey home I felt no better, in fact I felt worse. Then it happened. As soon as the car passed from North Yorkshire to South, I was fine. I picked immediately back up. I was home, back in the steadding. Back in my steadding.
On Thursday my best friend got his A level results and got into his university of choice. I cried myself to sleep that night, I was so upset I couldn't have been there. I was upset that in a matter of weeks my best friend of 18 years will be leaving me and I won't be seeing him as often anymore. I'll have next to nothing left for me, no one to smoke weed and get deep with. No one there to tell me everything is ok, no one to watch obscure Sitcoms with.
Last night I got us an 1/8th, I rolled a big spliff and before lighting it I told him:
"To the first day, of the rest of our lives"
Neither him nor me are the type of people to wear our hearts on our sleeve. But it was safe to say that we were both touched.
But as my world begins to slowly crumble away once again, when life has fucked me hard. I refuse to be fucked. I will stand up tall and over come these demons, these chains of unfortunate events will no longer bind me and I will stand up tall and scream my name from the rooftops. My name is Jack, and I am here to fuck shit up and show the world I am worth something. Everything.
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