Alpha, Beta... Omega

We (the collective we) Omegas are the lowest of the low. Society looks down on us, barely acknowledges us, hurts us, belittles us... They live their lives seemingly problem free, where as we get to handle the shit they cause.

They outcast us, don't allow us in their social circles. So most of us don't speak to many other people, reducing our chances to meet others like ourselves.

As time moves on, the more hurt we experience, the more we become accustomed to our loneliness. The defenses around our hearts and emotions grow taller and stronger, some people may take a liking to us and try to get to know us, but because of selfish people before them our defenses are strong, and they never break through them. Leaving us alone once again, wondering how we've deserved the curse we carry.

Perhaps its just me clinging desperately onto that last scrap of naivety I have, I shrug my shoulders and I move on, my defenses get stronger... In hope that one day someone will come a long and see the true potential with me. They'll break down those defenses and take a peek at the true me, and they'll love what they see. Slowly but surely all the trust issues, all the hurt, all the anxiousness and all of the pent up sadness will diminish, all because that one person persisted.

I wait patiently in anticipation for my fortress to crumble at the hands of another.

Flume

In about 25 minutes I will be turning 19 years old. I wave farewell to the 'best year of my life' and say hello to just another year. I'm sure that around this time of year everyone goes through that brief period where they reflect upon their lives so far, they weigh up the good and the bad times and determine if they've had a good life or not. I'm sure everyone does it... Right?

Well today that is exactly what I've done. No matter what I've been doing, in the very back of my brain I've been reflecting, and wondering, about my life so far. I had to really strain to think of good times I've had, because the bad memories would be far more prominent. Perhaps this is because these are times that have made me a much stronger person, or perhaps just because I'm a morbid cunto.

So I determined my life has been shite so far, and I start to wonder how different being 19 will be to being 18. My guess is not very much, but I do have this overwhelming voice shouting inside my cranium: "Work hard, Jack! This is the last chance you've got!" over and over. I'm determined to do well at college, start saving my money. I need to sort my life out, and sharpish.

I'm scared this year is going to be another shit one, where nothing good happens. To be honest, I can see it happening already.



On a lighter note, I think I found the second steadding. In the wheel of time books, their are a few steaddings dotted about the world. I'm starting to think that our world might be the same as that.

The second steadding is located on the border between North Wales and England. Oswestry. I've never been to a place I so instantly felt at home and welcomed at.


I have to visit there again at some point, its beautiful.

Thusly things begin to get deep again.

So many things to discuss with you. Try to make yourself comfortable, and before I begin writing this blog post I will tell you, I've smoked too much and I feel a little bit ill. I'm not proud of that, In fact I'm ashamed. I pride myself on knowing my limits but today I've taken the piss and that's not nice. However I'm hoping to tap into that part of my brain that doesn't usually come out, so I can somewhat help myself. I'm already there in a way, its just getting it down.

Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.

Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.

I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.

But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.

I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.





I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.

However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.

Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.

But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.

I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.


I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.

Don't worry, man. I'll go to the loonie bin with you

If I keep this up, the loonie bin is where I'll end up.


I can't really recall anything from this weekend that has been of any significance. Two student scum watching movies with fits of the giggles eating cheese on toast like its going out of fashion. I'm a living stereotype. Is that a good thing? Is it good for people to distinguish you as 'that one guy'. Personally I'm not sure, I've got a lot of good memories associated with my 'stereotype'. None bad as of yet.

But what does this say about me as a person? Is it a bad thing that I'm like this, do society look upon me with disapproving or amused eyes? I personally believe, and this may or may not have anything to do with my state of mind, that I should not care. I know what I'm worth.


I'm also at a time in my life where in just a mere 12 months I'll be going to university, and whenever I think about that I nearly soil myself with nerves. I'm not sure exactly where these nerves stem from, other than the fact going to university is actually something to be nervous about, but more of a "I'm going to lose everything" sort of nerve, I'll have to rebuild my life again and I don't want to, its terrifying.

Although I know where this stems from. Her. When she went to uni I lost her, and thus everything. I'm scared the same is going to happen, to a degree.

Never mind. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, if any of you reading this are interested, or want to give me your opinion, here are my 5 university choices.

1.) Edinburgh Napier
2.) Brighton Uni
3.) Manchester Met
4.) Sheffield Hallam
5.) Northampton Uni

Returning to the Steadding.

Now before I continue with this post I want to say that I apologize for my lack of update in the past few weeks, I also want to explain what a Steadding is. As far as I know its not even a proper word. It comes from my favorite set of books: The Wheel of Time. The Steadding is a place where the Ogier live, they can leave the Steadding but if they're away for a long period of time they start to die, and have to return. The books spoke to me in such a way that they changed my life, and opened my eyes to a lot. So much so I got the Wheel of Time logo permanently tattooed on my skin forever.

This past week I've been staying with relatives who live a bit up north, looking after my cousins. Which I don't mind as I love my cousins to bits, they're young and have that "I can do ANYTHING" attitude. Its refreshing.

I stayed there Sunday-Friday. By Wednesday the Steadding was calling for me, I did nothing but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself, I hate the house where I live but my town is amazing. A stones throw away from everything and all my friends are close by, I could never leave this town if I tried.

The same could be said for any place where somebody lives, but South Yorkshire has this pull on me, it keeps me sane, my comfort zone. I cannot explain to you the hold it has on me.

All day Friday I was clock watching, waiting for my ride home to get here so I could return back to the steadding. I was pale, I had cold sweats, I was answering with single words.

The car journey home I felt no better, in fact I felt worse. Then it happened. As soon as the car passed from North Yorkshire to South, I was fine. I picked immediately back up. I was home, back in the steadding. Back in my steadding.



On Thursday my best friend got his A level results and got into his university of choice. I cried myself to sleep that night, I was so upset I couldn't have been there. I was upset that in a matter of weeks my best friend of 18 years will be leaving me and I won't be seeing him as often anymore. I'll have next to nothing left for me, no one to smoke weed and get deep with. No one there to tell me everything is ok, no one to watch obscure Sitcoms with.

Last night I got us an 1/8th, I rolled a big spliff and before lighting it I told him:

"To the first day, of the rest of our lives"

Neither him nor me are the type of people to wear our hearts on our sleeve. But it was safe to say that we were both touched.



But as my world begins to slowly crumble away once again, when life has fucked me hard. I refuse to be fucked. I will stand up tall and over come these demons, these chains of unfortunate events will no longer bind me and I will stand up tall and scream my name from the rooftops. My name is Jack, and I am here to fuck shit up and show the world I am worth something. Everything.

"The internets been so dull without you"

Believe me when I say a life without internet is a life not worth living. I felt completely cut off, from everything. I was washed over by a sense of clarity and relief when I turned my PC on this morning, i had forgotten how much I feel comfortable sat in front of my computer, in my own little world a place where no one is going to hurt me, where I can be whoever or whatever I want.

Depressing, it first might seem, I believe it isn't, it's helped me through some bad times in my life, where I can just come home to the internet, where all my friends are waiting for me to hear about my day, or wanting to play some video games, or talk about this new band they just heard.

A whole different world where people want to talk to each other, to get to know each other and socialize. Its incredibly difficult, for me at least, to fathom how something like the internet has created a whole different sub culture. A whole different society.

My society. The collective I can associate myself with, a world where my real life isn't involved unless I want it to be involved (and in some occasions, if not most, this has proved to lead to only good things).

When like myself you start to associate yourself with a collective, you grow fond of it, so much so you become to rely on it. Then you're cut off.
You start to wonder if your lack of presence is being noted, if your friends are wondering where you are, or your guild is starting to worry. It drives you wild.

Not having your favorite band just a click away or any question you might want to know the answer to at the tips of your finger tips. I felt almost poverty stricken, it made me wonder how people got by before the internet. Despite living in a time without the 'proper' internet, I cannot begin to imagine how it feels.


But even though you've been cut off, you go out of your way to go to a member of your familys, or your friends, house, just because you know they've got wifi. You spend days merely peeking through the window at the rolling hills. Then at the end of it all you get your connection back, and that door is swung wide open.


That feeling of home sickness you experienced has gone. You're home, and everyone has missed you.

Have you missed me?

I know I'd said I'd be back on Monday, and I am in fact one day short of a week late. This is because when I arrived back home from Kendal, my sister hadn't paid the internet bill. So I've been internetless for a week now, its a good job it gets reconnected on Tuesday. Right now I'm at my step dads house on an old laptop I found in my bedroom. Its nearly broken, but its good enough for me to type this blog post. Which is long over due.


I'll write up my experiences of my weekend in Kendal, shall I? I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but I wasn't attending the festival as a festival-goer, but in fact as a retailer. I work as a vintage clothes retailer, I tend to work more behind the scenes of the online store, making sure the ebay shop is running ok, the template is fine, all the photographs have been taken and photoshopped before they're uploaded.

But this time I had to actually go to the festival and run the stall, and it was hard work. If its not already obvious I'm an introverted person, I keep myself to myself and most of the time I am out spoken. But I couldn't let myself do that here, if I kept quiet and shy I probably wouldn't have sold anything and better still, not made any new friends.

Luckily for me there was another retailer in the marquee I was in, called Kerry, and she really took me under her wing. She must have known I was quite nervous, and shy, and she made a point to talk to me whenever she got chance, offer me advice, and basically mother me the entire weekend and look after me. This wasn't a bad thing at all, it was nice. I was there with my friend, but we were both clueless and for the most part he was out in the actual festival and not in the marquee tent with me.

It was a good learning experience for me, I had to talk to people, tell them prices and generally be a talkative, charismatic person. I think I succeeded. I did get one phone number! Although, it was for my friend as he'd gone to the tent to skin up a joint and a girl had come back to talk to him...

One thing that was really nice, is that one of the technicians at the college I go to, went to the festival, however he's best friends with my boss (my cousin) and I've known him for years. He nipped into the marquee a few times to say hello and just to see how I was getting on. I also smoked him up on the last night of the festival, I had just shy of an eighth left, so me and my friend went to his tent and smoked it in two joints. Let me tell you, I reached a new level of high I didn't think was possible. I reached a new plateau. It was nice.


Other than that most of the festival wasn't too bad, I managed to catch a couple of bands, met some interesting people who were working on other stalls. It helped my confidence a lot, I'm just hoping that the skills I had learned over that weekend I can apply to real life and hopefully break out of the shell of self pity and destruction that I've got myself in to. I'm stuck in this rut, and I feel that, that weekend will help me get out of it.


Here are some of the pictures that were taken over the weekend:


The above picture is when I set our tent up. It wasn't very big, but we dubbed it a "Fortress of comfort" and for the most part it was. However, my hair has given me an uncanny resemblance to Mike Score from a Flock of Seagulls


This picture is of me outside of our 10ft part of the marquee tent. Looking a bit awkward...



I'll end this post here, I hope you all haven't missed me too much, and I hope you're all ok.