Now before I continue with this post I want to say that I apologize for my lack of update in the past few weeks, I also want to explain what a Steadding is. As far as I know its not even a proper word. It comes from my favorite set of books: The Wheel of Time. The Steadding is a place where the Ogier live, they can leave the Steadding but if they're away for a long period of time they start to die, and have to return. The books spoke to me in such a way that they changed my life, and opened my eyes to a lot. So much so I got the Wheel of Time logo permanently tattooed on my skin forever.
This past week I've been staying with relatives who live a bit up north, looking after my cousins. Which I don't mind as I love my cousins to bits, they're young and have that "I can do ANYTHING" attitude. Its refreshing.
I stayed there Sunday-Friday. By Wednesday the Steadding was calling for me, I did nothing but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself, I hate the house where I live but my town is amazing. A stones throw away from everything and all my friends are close by, I could never leave this town if I tried.
The same could be said for any place where somebody lives, but South Yorkshire has this pull on me, it keeps me sane, my comfort zone. I cannot explain to you the hold it has on me.
All day Friday I was clock watching, waiting for my ride home to get here so I could return back to the steadding. I was pale, I had cold sweats, I was answering with single words.
The car journey home I felt no better, in fact I felt worse. Then it happened. As soon as the car passed from North Yorkshire to South, I was fine. I picked immediately back up. I was home, back in the steadding. Back in my steadding.
On Thursday my best friend got his A level results and got into his university of choice. I cried myself to sleep that night, I was so upset I couldn't have been there. I was upset that in a matter of weeks my best friend of 18 years will be leaving me and I won't be seeing him as often anymore. I'll have next to nothing left for me, no one to smoke weed and get deep with. No one there to tell me everything is ok, no one to watch obscure Sitcoms with.
Last night I got us an 1/8th, I rolled a big spliff and before lighting it I told him:
"To the first day, of the rest of our lives"
Neither him nor me are the type of people to wear our hearts on our sleeve. But it was safe to say that we were both touched.
But as my world begins to slowly crumble away once again, when life has fucked me hard. I refuse to be fucked. I will stand up tall and over come these demons, these chains of unfortunate events will no longer bind me and I will stand up tall and scream my name from the rooftops. My name is Jack, and I am here to fuck shit up and show the world I am worth something. Everything.