Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.

My best friend has gone to University, and he's having the time of his life. I'm missing him a lot more than I had originally thought, I've done nothing but mope around and smoke weed all the while feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

Today I made a mistake that's becoming alarmingly popular, I'll start writing him a text asking him to come over, only for me to remember he's not in the Steadding anymore...

I guess I took for granted how much it meant to me having someone who is close to me around me all of the time like that, every night we'd get retarded, listen to music and shoot the shit... now I don't have any of that anymore.

I still have friends but its not the same, its not the same as when he came over.

But this is how the world works, and again I am in no unique position. I'm sure many people have experienced what I'm going through right now, usually this train of thought makes me feel better about situations, but not this time.

But I'll never let him know how much I miss him, because he's making the most of himself and I don't want to ruin that for him. So instead I'll slowly crawl back under that rock that I used to be under, I'll start watching everyone around me pass me by whilst I wallow in self pity.

The next 12 months will be the hardest I've ever had to endure, I pray to whatever higher being that they send some good news my way. I'm due some.

Thursday, 16 September 2010


I'm sorry for the lack of updates, perhaps I haven't been feeling like a moody teenage since my birthday. Things haven't been bad, but they've not been good either. My days have been pretty mediocre at best, I could almost predict how they would end up.

I was meaning to write a post about my birthday and I never got around to it, until now. I hope you're comfortable, get your drug of choice ready - I have a feeling this post may be a little bit longer than usual.

I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but around my birthday I tend to shy away from people and lock myself away. I don't like birthdays, well actually that's a lie, I don't like my birthdays. I'm the sort of person that very rarely gets excited, I take everything with a pinch of salt. I like to think I have a good grasp of everything around me, nothing is new or original, its just there and I'm just making the most of how it can service me. I'm content with everything, every event, everything.

Apart from my birthday. Perhaps it stems from being a child, I never had a proper birthday party, I never had friends over on my birthday, I never had a party at 'Wacky Warehouse' (No matter how much I pestered my mum). My mum would cook something or we'd go for a pub dinner, then we'd have birthday cake, I'd go to bed and that would be it - birthday over and done with, no songs, no dancing, no friends. Over and done with, seemingly in the blink of an eye.

Its been like that every year for as long as I can remember. My 18th was a little bit better, to say the least, she had made a pretty big effort in trying to make it a little bit special, but at the end of the day ( as much as I appreciated the effort ) my 18th was just like any other birthday, no friends, no songs, no dancing, no singing, no good times. Just a meal at a pub/restaurant, birthday cake, and then its the next day and my birthday had passed in the blink of an eye, yet again. The only thing that made it any different was the fact I woke up next to someone I genuinely loved. It was nice to receive a kiss and a 'happy birthday, gorgeous'.

This year was no different, a week or so prior to my birthday I started shunning people away, didn't mention what was happening, and moped around like morbid Melvin. All the while secretly hoping that when Sunday came around, I'd arrive at my step dads house to find all my family friends waiting for me, to have a good time and celebrate me turning 19.

Then on Friday my mum rang me to tell me that only a small portion of the family could come, which I didn't class a big deal as I have a family so large, a small portion of it would probably be large compared to someones else family.

So Sunday came around and I arrived in Chesterfield at my step-dads house. The family slowly but surely started to arrive. No one wished me a happy birthday, no one had gotten me a card. No one asked if I was having a good day, or how I was feeling. I was ignored completely, they were all far too interested in looking at my Aunt Ruth's holiday photographs.

I went home, smoked a joint that was far too big for me to handle on my own. I got in the shower with all the lights off with "Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago" playing. I don't remember much apart from turning the lights back on after the album had finished and thinking I had a set of ten old mens faces on the tips of my fingers.

A few days before, however, I had tried organizing a meal for me and some friends. No one came.

My birthday, in short, was shit. Just like it has been every other year, I've decided that from now on I won't be celebrating my birthday anymore, its just the one day of the year I get my hopes up for, only to be disappointed. No more birthdays for Jack, that's the last birthday I'll celebrate.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Alpha, Beta... Omega

We (the collective we) Omegas are the lowest of the low. Society looks down on us, barely acknowledges us, hurts us, belittles us... They live their lives seemingly problem free, where as we get to handle the shit they cause.

They outcast us, don't allow us in their social circles. So most of us don't speak to many other people, reducing our chances to meet others like ourselves.

As time moves on, the more hurt we experience, the more we become accustomed to our loneliness. The defenses around our hearts and emotions grow taller and stronger, some people may take a liking to us and try to get to know us, but because of selfish people before them our defenses are strong, and they never break through them. Leaving us alone once again, wondering how we've deserved the curse we carry.

Perhaps its just me clinging desperately onto that last scrap of naivety I have, I shrug my shoulders and I move on, my defenses get stronger... In hope that one day someone will come a long and see the true potential with me. They'll break down those defenses and take a peek at the true me, and they'll love what they see. Slowly but surely all the trust issues, all the hurt, all the anxiousness and all of the pent up sadness will diminish, all because that one person persisted.

I wait patiently in anticipation for my fortress to crumble at the hands of another.

Saturday, 4 September 2010


In about 25 minutes I will be turning 19 years old. I wave farewell to the 'best year of my life' and say hello to just another year. I'm sure that around this time of year everyone goes through that brief period where they reflect upon their lives so far, they weigh up the good and the bad times and determine if they've had a good life or not. I'm sure everyone does it... Right?

Well today that is exactly what I've done. No matter what I've been doing, in the very back of my brain I've been reflecting, and wondering, about my life so far. I had to really strain to think of good times I've had, because the bad memories would be far more prominent. Perhaps this is because these are times that have made me a much stronger person, or perhaps just because I'm a morbid cunto.

So I determined my life has been shite so far, and I start to wonder how different being 19 will be to being 18. My guess is not very much, but I do have this overwhelming voice shouting inside my cranium: "Work hard, Jack! This is the last chance you've got!" over and over. I'm determined to do well at college, start saving my money. I need to sort my life out, and sharpish.

I'm scared this year is going to be another shit one, where nothing good happens. To be honest, I can see it happening already.

On a lighter note, I think I found the second steadding. In the wheel of time books, their are a few steaddings dotted about the world. I'm starting to think that our world might be the same as that.

The second steadding is located on the border between North Wales and England. Oswestry. I've never been to a place I so instantly felt at home and welcomed at.

I have to visit there again at some point, its beautiful.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Thusly things begin to get deep again.

So many things to discuss with you. Try to make yourself comfortable, and before I begin writing this blog post I will tell you, I've smoked too much and I feel a little bit ill. I'm not proud of that, In fact I'm ashamed. I pride myself on knowing my limits but today I've taken the piss and that's not nice. However I'm hoping to tap into that part of my brain that doesn't usually come out, so I can somewhat help myself. I'm already there in a way, its just getting it down.

Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.

Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.

I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.

But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.

I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.

I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.

However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.

Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.

But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.

I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.

I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.