As of 10AM tomorrow morning I am going to be stranded in the lake district without my phone, or the internet. I am working at the Kendall Calling festival, at the "Burn Down" vintage clothing store, if anyone reading this is attending, please stop by and say hello!
I'm looking forward to it, I think its going to be a good weekend. I'm a little nervous, somewhat, its a chance to meet new people isn't it? So I'm going to try my hardest to see if I can make some new friends whilst I'm there. Even if its temporary for the weekend, it'll still be nice.
However something is worrying me, I have a spot of food poisoning. Its not bad, I believe I'm at the back end (Pun not intended) of my illness at the moment. So far today all I've had is water. I've even tried to keep the cigarettes few and far between. I just hope I can get the badness out of me for tomorrow morning. Although I'm not hopeful. I hear festival toilets are simply delightful...
Now, admittedly this is the first blog post I've published online where I haven't been stoned. Now, this isn't because of lack of cannabis (There is never a lack...) and admittedly being high does in fact remove any pain or discomfort I feel physically from my illness (Admittedly making my emotional pain and discomfort double).
Its been a short journey with this blog so far, but its been nice to read back and see exactly what I've been thinking whilst I have been sat here rambling stoned off my tree. I'm not ashamed, but I'm a little embarrassed, I cringed reading some of the blog posts, rambling about her and how it upsets me shes moved on and I haven't. Anyone would think I wasn't over her. Which isn't the case, I am over her.
I am, as someone once described me as: "You're broken goods, until you're fixed no one will want you".
But who shall fix me?
I'll see you all on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
Monday 26 July 2010
Bare with me. I'm taking my time.
The big light is off, and the lamp is on. The shade dulls the light giving the room a dim glow. Giving the white walls an almost yellowish glow. Sometimes a gush of night time air will brush past my face. The steady rhythm and soft, deep, lyrics lull me into a relaxed state.
My heads up in the clouds, as per. My thoughts are taking the back roads, but they always end up at the same destination: Crushing Loneliness.
I want to enjoy this with somebody. Make new friends, find a girlfriend. I just can't do it, I struggle to talk to other people.
Why did her departure leave me so shattered? I feel like a broken man, I don't love her anymore and would never want her back. But its hurts to see that shes made new friends, got a new boyfriend and moved on completely. But here I am stuck in the same broken cycle, pining for companionship that I just can't seem to find.
Perhaps my standards are too high, but I find in todays women, in my appropriate age group, is that they're incredibly vain. Almost clueless and often say stupid shit. They're vain and shallow, almost vapid. Its difficult to find a girl who isn't like this, who isn't bothered how often you go out on the piss, or how many friends you've got. Someone who is bothered about my past times, willing to embrace it and try things out, as well as letting me into theirs, letting me put time into it with them.
Someone I can sit on the sofa with whilst watching rubbish TV, but still having the time of my life because I'm sat with them.
Perhaps I'm asking for too much, or perhaps I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe even reading into things too much.
I have no idea, but what I do know is that whinging won't get me anywhere. But still I sit here and wallow.
My heads up in the clouds, as per. My thoughts are taking the back roads, but they always end up at the same destination: Crushing Loneliness.
I want to enjoy this with somebody. Make new friends, find a girlfriend. I just can't do it, I struggle to talk to other people.
Why did her departure leave me so shattered? I feel like a broken man, I don't love her anymore and would never want her back. But its hurts to see that shes made new friends, got a new boyfriend and moved on completely. But here I am stuck in the same broken cycle, pining for companionship that I just can't seem to find.
Perhaps my standards are too high, but I find in todays women, in my appropriate age group, is that they're incredibly vain. Almost clueless and often say stupid shit. They're vain and shallow, almost vapid. Its difficult to find a girl who isn't like this, who isn't bothered how often you go out on the piss, or how many friends you've got. Someone who is bothered about my past times, willing to embrace it and try things out, as well as letting me into theirs, letting me put time into it with them.
Someone I can sit on the sofa with whilst watching rubbish TV, but still having the time of my life because I'm sat with them.
Perhaps I'm asking for too much, or perhaps I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe even reading into things too much.
I have no idea, but what I do know is that whinging won't get me anywhere. But still I sit here and wallow.
Saturday 24 July 2010
Thinking too much is bad for you.
There is a strange satisfaction I seem to get from rolling cigarettes. Everything from pulling the paper out of the ingenious little packet to rolling the tobacco in the paper. Fully in control. The end result being a cigarette so perfectly rolled you often think to yourself how if the cigarette rolling machines ever broke in the big factorys, you could work in the factory and be the best cig roller in the world.
But enough about cigarettes. I often wonder if I think too much, make things worse in my head. Every scenario I think of, i just think of every worst possible outcome for it. Its a terrible mindset to have, but I can't get myself out of it. It all stems from a piece of advice I was given: "Expect the very least from everyone and everything, and you'll never be disappointed". Its such a true statement, the few times I have gotten my hopes up about something, I have always ended up disappointed.
Its horrible to live this way, to expect the least from everything and not being able to trust anyone. People must get the worse view of me, I often wonder how I have friends, I must not be a very optimistic or happy person to be around.
It doesn't matter, I shouldn't care about these things considering I do have friends.
I've been reading a blog called Bored Olives lately, I suggest anyone who is anyone to check it out. Its a beautiful real-life story. I've also noticed a small community gathering around it, and thats nice. Being part of something.
I should go to bed, its difficult to comprehend what I'm typing. I'm too far gone.
But enough about cigarettes. I often wonder if I think too much, make things worse in my head. Every scenario I think of, i just think of every worst possible outcome for it. Its a terrible mindset to have, but I can't get myself out of it. It all stems from a piece of advice I was given: "Expect the very least from everyone and everything, and you'll never be disappointed". Its such a true statement, the few times I have gotten my hopes up about something, I have always ended up disappointed.
Its horrible to live this way, to expect the least from everything and not being able to trust anyone. People must get the worse view of me, I often wonder how I have friends, I must not be a very optimistic or happy person to be around.
It doesn't matter, I shouldn't care about these things considering I do have friends.
I've been reading a blog called Bored Olives lately, I suggest anyone who is anyone to check it out. Its a beautiful real-life story. I've also noticed a small community gathering around it, and thats nice. Being part of something.
I should go to bed, its difficult to comprehend what I'm typing. I'm too far gone.
Son, you've gone done smoked yourself retarded.
I'm sorry for the lack of update yesterday, I was working all day.
I finished fixing a flurry of computers at around 14:00PM and then came home, played on my PC for a little while and then decided to skin up a joint, I'd finished work for the day and fancied playing dawn of war 2 while off my tree. I got half way through when my boss rang me and asked me to work the doors for the music venue. I said ok.
Its a good job my boss is family, isn't it? I was so blatantly off my face. Then after our shift my boss invited me upstairs of the venue to have a joint with him and the manager. It was good, I had fun. Alot of good vibes and good people.
However I can only remember ordering a take away and then watching an hour long documentary on Prog Rock on BBC Four. There wasn't much to update, it was a pretty normal day and I was far too out of it to even bother writing an update. I did however wake up with an awful weed over this morning, my guts were in turmoil.
and I'm going to do it all again today! Three cheers for masking your problems in the combustible plant matter.
I finished fixing a flurry of computers at around 14:00PM and then came home, played on my PC for a little while and then decided to skin up a joint, I'd finished work for the day and fancied playing dawn of war 2 while off my tree. I got half way through when my boss rang me and asked me to work the doors for the music venue. I said ok.
Its a good job my boss is family, isn't it? I was so blatantly off my face. Then after our shift my boss invited me upstairs of the venue to have a joint with him and the manager. It was good, I had fun. Alot of good vibes and good people.
However I can only remember ordering a take away and then watching an hour long documentary on Prog Rock on BBC Four. There wasn't much to update, it was a pretty normal day and I was far too out of it to even bother writing an update. I did however wake up with an awful weed over this morning, my guts were in turmoil.
and I'm going to do it all again today! Three cheers for masking your problems in the combustible plant matter.
Thursday 22 July 2010
Where everybody knows your name
As far as my days go, today has been really good.
Me and my friend went to this shady little internet cafe in town today, we've been going for the past couples of weeks now - together, at least. We've both been going in at different times for years. So we're pretty well known.
I really enjoy going there, we've made it a weekly thing now. Usually a Thursday or a Friday, we go sometime during the early afternoon after we've just woken up for our breakfast. (We are students, after all. Staying in bed until the later afternoon is the norm for us!)
I enjoy going there mainly because we're pretty good friends with the owner and other punters. Its strange how many people regularly go in to use the computers, or like me and my friend, just to have a crack with the other, Mick, and other regulars. Its got such a laid back atmosphere that after I've finished my pot of coffee I can lean back on my chair and pass Mick my mug with a "Brew us another, please Mick". He'll roll his eyes comically and make some crack about lazy students. Its gotten to a point where he doesn't ask how we like our coffee or our sandwiches, he just knows.
He's a memorable fellow, knows everyone and I suspect, everything. He speaks fluent German, French, and Spanish, and was in the french foreign legion. Believes alcohol rub is the cure for everything (After being a medic for a brief spell in the legion, he says he treated everything with alcohol rub and plasters). Better still, he can make an egg and bacon sandwich the size of your head.
So we went to the internet cafe and had a crack with Mick for an hour, then came home. Relaxed with a brew and a cig and we listened to some Neutral Milk Hotel. He's gone back to his nanas now, so I'm back on my own.
But I don't mind, I've got Saturday to look forward to. Elliot and Josh are coming round to my house for a while. Smoke a little and watch some films etc. It'll be a nice afternoon, nothing going on so we're not spoiling anything. It's going to be fun, I can't wait.
Me and my friend went to this shady little internet cafe in town today, we've been going for the past couples of weeks now - together, at least. We've both been going in at different times for years. So we're pretty well known.
I really enjoy going there, we've made it a weekly thing now. Usually a Thursday or a Friday, we go sometime during the early afternoon after we've just woken up for our breakfast. (We are students, after all. Staying in bed until the later afternoon is the norm for us!)
I enjoy going there mainly because we're pretty good friends with the owner and other punters. Its strange how many people regularly go in to use the computers, or like me and my friend, just to have a crack with the other, Mick, and other regulars. Its got such a laid back atmosphere that after I've finished my pot of coffee I can lean back on my chair and pass Mick my mug with a "Brew us another, please Mick". He'll roll his eyes comically and make some crack about lazy students. Its gotten to a point where he doesn't ask how we like our coffee or our sandwiches, he just knows.
He's a memorable fellow, knows everyone and I suspect, everything. He speaks fluent German, French, and Spanish, and was in the french foreign legion. Believes alcohol rub is the cure for everything (After being a medic for a brief spell in the legion, he says he treated everything with alcohol rub and plasters). Better still, he can make an egg and bacon sandwich the size of your head.
So we went to the internet cafe and had a crack with Mick for an hour, then came home. Relaxed with a brew and a cig and we listened to some Neutral Milk Hotel. He's gone back to his nanas now, so I'm back on my own.
But I don't mind, I've got Saturday to look forward to. Elliot and Josh are coming round to my house for a while. Smoke a little and watch some films etc. It'll be a nice afternoon, nothing going on so we're not spoiling anything. It's going to be fun, I can't wait.
Wednesday 21 July 2010
My names Jack, and I don't give a fuck.
My friend came over today, it was nice to see her. We just sat and talked for the most part, about the usual inane rubbish that we as people tend to talk about. Drama, gossip, movies, music, the general media. The conversation got deep very quickly, she has just come out of a long term relationship and shes still a little bit upset about it. She had her moment talking about her ex and how shes feeling, I offered my advice and she took it (more than likely with a pinch of salt).
But then she started questioning me. She asked me how I felt, about being single, about only having few friends etc. The conclusion we came to after quite a long winded conversation about myself and my troubles/past was that I simply don't care. She asked me if I cared about her problems, and things with her ex and, being the brutally honest person I am, told her I didn't. It doesn't concern me.
She seemed shocked, not upset or disgusted, just shocked. She asked me why I ask how shes getting on if I didn't care. Again I told her the truth, society tells us to ask these questions, for us to live by the morals that we've been taught as we've been growing up. If I didn't abide by the morals, if I wasn't polite or if I didn't come across as the selfless person I do, then even more people would alienate me. I'd be 'weird' or better yet, a horrible person.
She asked me if it was an act, and I told her no. Me asking isn't an act, its just doing what everyone else does, I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I just don't care about anyone's problems, and I tend not to tell people what goes on in my life. (Which makes this blog seem pointless, doesn't it? I thought making a blog might help to a degree, help me get things off my chest)
My past problems seemed to be something that annoyed her, the fact that whilst I've been through some traumatic things, I just don't care about them. They happened in the past and I refuse to let me bother me now that I'm grown up, she says that the reason I'm so cold and don't trust people easily could be because of this. Maybe that's the case, perhaps I am too cold because I don't confront the problems I've had in the past, or the problems I have in the present day. I just leave them be for them to pass me by, or fizzle away.
She said to me that shes glad she has persevered with me, and gotten to know me and now understands why I am the way I am. She said to me that I'm not a horrible person, I'm not selfish for having my mentality, she says she just feels sorry for me, and she could never understand how I feel. It moved her, she started to cry, she said that the people in my life have hurt me so much that its gotten to a point where I don't get close to anyone, where I can't trust them and I'm insensitive to the most awful of things.
And shes correct, I am insensitive to the most awful of things. But because I don't let on, for the most part, that I am the way I am, nobody knows. I attended my Aunts funeral on Monday, she died quite young, I think she was only 51, cancer killed her. All way through the service I could feel my mothers eyes burning into the back of my head because I didn't sing, or participate in the prayers - doing this would be hypocritical of me because I don't believe in any sort of religion. But I won't go on about that. I spent most of the funeral thinking about the music I'd have at my funeral, or if there was going to be a buffet at the pub after the funeral, because I hadn't eaten yet.
One thought did cross my mind, what if the two people I do genuinely care about died. What would I do at their funerals? Would I cry? Say a speech? I don't know. But one thing did settle in my mind, if they were both to die. I would only be able to attend one of the funerals, because her parents hate me.
I don't love her anymore, but I still care. She was a big part of my life for a long time and its hard to stop caring about someone so easily. Especially her, shes been the only person to penetrate my walls and got to know the real me, and she apparently loved what she saw. But after she left she left me with a lot of confidence and trust issues. Now I couldn't get close to someone if I tried, and that hurts.
But at the end of the day I just don't care. I get on with my life and watch the world past me by daily, I'm my own person, and I would like to share myself with someone, but its going to take a lot of time for me to meet somebody I feel genuinely about.
(Note: I do care about people, about the few friends I've got. Without them I would've gone to bed and not woken up a long time ago. Just I don't worry about it, I know that throughout the history of time people have gone through worse, or exactly the same, troubles as another person. We're not unique, so I honestly feel its not worth crying over. Everything works out in the end. It always does.)
But then she started questioning me. She asked me how I felt, about being single, about only having few friends etc. The conclusion we came to after quite a long winded conversation about myself and my troubles/past was that I simply don't care. She asked me if I cared about her problems, and things with her ex and, being the brutally honest person I am, told her I didn't. It doesn't concern me.
She seemed shocked, not upset or disgusted, just shocked. She asked me why I ask how shes getting on if I didn't care. Again I told her the truth, society tells us to ask these questions, for us to live by the morals that we've been taught as we've been growing up. If I didn't abide by the morals, if I wasn't polite or if I didn't come across as the selfless person I do, then even more people would alienate me. I'd be 'weird' or better yet, a horrible person.
She asked me if it was an act, and I told her no. Me asking isn't an act, its just doing what everyone else does, I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I just don't care about anyone's problems, and I tend not to tell people what goes on in my life. (Which makes this blog seem pointless, doesn't it? I thought making a blog might help to a degree, help me get things off my chest)
My past problems seemed to be something that annoyed her, the fact that whilst I've been through some traumatic things, I just don't care about them. They happened in the past and I refuse to let me bother me now that I'm grown up, she says that the reason I'm so cold and don't trust people easily could be because of this. Maybe that's the case, perhaps I am too cold because I don't confront the problems I've had in the past, or the problems I have in the present day. I just leave them be for them to pass me by, or fizzle away.
She said to me that shes glad she has persevered with me, and gotten to know me and now understands why I am the way I am. She said to me that I'm not a horrible person, I'm not selfish for having my mentality, she says she just feels sorry for me, and she could never understand how I feel. It moved her, she started to cry, she said that the people in my life have hurt me so much that its gotten to a point where I don't get close to anyone, where I can't trust them and I'm insensitive to the most awful of things.
And shes correct, I am insensitive to the most awful of things. But because I don't let on, for the most part, that I am the way I am, nobody knows. I attended my Aunts funeral on Monday, she died quite young, I think she was only 51, cancer killed her. All way through the service I could feel my mothers eyes burning into the back of my head because I didn't sing, or participate in the prayers - doing this would be hypocritical of me because I don't believe in any sort of religion. But I won't go on about that. I spent most of the funeral thinking about the music I'd have at my funeral, or if there was going to be a buffet at the pub after the funeral, because I hadn't eaten yet.
One thought did cross my mind, what if the two people I do genuinely care about died. What would I do at their funerals? Would I cry? Say a speech? I don't know. But one thing did settle in my mind, if they were both to die. I would only be able to attend one of the funerals, because her parents hate me.
I don't love her anymore, but I still care. She was a big part of my life for a long time and its hard to stop caring about someone so easily. Especially her, shes been the only person to penetrate my walls and got to know the real me, and she apparently loved what she saw. But after she left she left me with a lot of confidence and trust issues. Now I couldn't get close to someone if I tried, and that hurts.
But at the end of the day I just don't care. I get on with my life and watch the world past me by daily, I'm my own person, and I would like to share myself with someone, but its going to take a lot of time for me to meet somebody I feel genuinely about.
(Note: I do care about people, about the few friends I've got. Without them I would've gone to bed and not woken up a long time ago. Just I don't worry about it, I know that throughout the history of time people have gone through worse, or exactly the same, troubles as another person. We're not unique, so I honestly feel its not worth crying over. Everything works out in the end. It always does.)
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Dandruff
My uncle was telling me how he asked my younger cousin what the problems in his life were. His reply? "Dandruff". Needless to say me and my uncle had a bit of a gas at his sons expense.
For some reason his answer has stuck in my mind, its made me question the problems in my life, how I find my cousins 'problems' humorous, where as my uncle for example might find that my problems are humorous.
Grown men and women (Not doss about pseudo-adults like myself) have children, bills, work e.t.c, a whole different world of very real problems. Mine seem almost shadowed in comparison. But it's gotten to the point now where I have to grow up and accept adult responsibilities, for example in the next couple of days I will be taking over my phones contract, before my mum paid it for me but now its up to me. Its a pretty terrifying leap, knowing I have to save £35 for my monthly income to pay the phone bill.
I have college to think about, too. I have to really pull my finger out when the next term starts and knuckle down. Admittedly in the last school year I haven't given it my all, knowing I'd get onto the second year of the course regardless I just didn't have that motivation. But now if I don't pass my second year I won't go to uni and then that's it, end of the line for me, I won't get into my preferred industry as I had hoped.
Yet out of all of the things troubling me, my social life and my lack of girlfriend bothers me the most. After a messy break-up I was reluctant get move on and get to know other women, but as time passed I got over that and started to peruse the opposite sex, only to be mucked about and tossed aside. This bruised my confidence even more.
But then my friends stopped getting in touch with me, I've lost contact with almost them all. Perhaps they sensed my bruised confidence and didn't want me to bring the groups mood down? I'll never know. It doesn't matter just yet, as my best friend (Who've I've known since I was a wee boy) is still my friend. We're trying to get in as much time to see each other as possible before he goes to University in September. It's going to be pretty rubbish not having him around, but I'll live.
At the same time it'd mean I would have to go out and socialize and help myself a bit more rather than rely on the 'norm' that I've gotten used to. I can't spend everyday getting stoned like I have been. I'm sure people wouldn't want to get to know me anyway.
For some reason his answer has stuck in my mind, its made me question the problems in my life, how I find my cousins 'problems' humorous, where as my uncle for example might find that my problems are humorous.
Grown men and women (Not doss about pseudo-adults like myself) have children, bills, work e.t.c, a whole different world of very real problems. Mine seem almost shadowed in comparison. But it's gotten to the point now where I have to grow up and accept adult responsibilities, for example in the next couple of days I will be taking over my phones contract, before my mum paid it for me but now its up to me. Its a pretty terrifying leap, knowing I have to save £35 for my monthly income to pay the phone bill.
I have college to think about, too. I have to really pull my finger out when the next term starts and knuckle down. Admittedly in the last school year I haven't given it my all, knowing I'd get onto the second year of the course regardless I just didn't have that motivation. But now if I don't pass my second year I won't go to uni and then that's it, end of the line for me, I won't get into my preferred industry as I had hoped.
Yet out of all of the things troubling me, my social life and my lack of girlfriend bothers me the most. After a messy break-up I was reluctant get move on and get to know other women, but as time passed I got over that and started to peruse the opposite sex, only to be mucked about and tossed aside. This bruised my confidence even more.
But then my friends stopped getting in touch with me, I've lost contact with almost them all. Perhaps they sensed my bruised confidence and didn't want me to bring the groups mood down? I'll never know. It doesn't matter just yet, as my best friend (Who've I've known since I was a wee boy) is still my friend. We're trying to get in as much time to see each other as possible before he goes to University in September. It's going to be pretty rubbish not having him around, but I'll live.
At the same time it'd mean I would have to go out and socialize and help myself a bit more rather than rely on the 'norm' that I've gotten used to. I can't spend everyday getting stoned like I have been. I'm sure people wouldn't want to get to know me anyway.
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