My friend came over today, it was nice to see her. We just sat and talked for the most part, about the usual inane rubbish that we as people tend to talk about. Drama, gossip, movies, music, the general media. The conversation got deep very quickly, she has just come out of a long term relationship and shes still a little bit upset about it. She had her moment talking about her ex and how shes feeling, I offered my advice and she took it (more than likely with a pinch of salt).
But then she started questioning me. She asked me how I felt, about being single, about only having few friends etc. The conclusion we came to after quite a long winded conversation about myself and my troubles/past was that I simply don't care. She asked me if I cared about her problems, and things with her ex and, being the brutally honest person I am, told her I didn't. It doesn't concern me.
She seemed shocked, not upset or disgusted, just shocked. She asked me why I ask how shes getting on if I didn't care. Again I told her the truth, society tells us to ask these questions, for us to live by the morals that we've been taught as we've been growing up. If I didn't abide by the morals, if I wasn't polite or if I didn't come across as the selfless person I do, then even more people would alienate me. I'd be 'weird' or better yet, a horrible person.
She asked me if it was an act, and I told her no. Me asking isn't an act, its just doing what everyone else does, I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I just don't care about anyone's problems, and I tend not to tell people what goes on in my life. (Which makes this blog seem pointless, doesn't it? I thought making a blog might help to a degree, help me get things off my chest)
My past problems seemed to be something that annoyed her, the fact that whilst I've been through some traumatic things, I just don't care about them. They happened in the past and I refuse to let me bother me now that I'm grown up, she says that the reason I'm so cold and don't trust people easily could be because of this. Maybe that's the case, perhaps I am too cold because I don't confront the problems I've had in the past, or the problems I have in the present day. I just leave them be for them to pass me by, or fizzle away.
She said to me that shes glad she has persevered with me, and gotten to know me and now understands why I am the way I am. She said to me that I'm not a horrible person, I'm not selfish for having my mentality, she says she just feels sorry for me, and she could never understand how I feel. It moved her, she started to cry, she said that the people in my life have hurt me so much that its gotten to a point where I don't get close to anyone, where I can't trust them and I'm insensitive to the most awful of things.
And shes correct, I am insensitive to the most awful of things. But because I don't let on, for the most part, that I am the way I am, nobody knows. I attended my Aunts funeral on Monday, she died quite young, I think she was only 51, cancer killed her. All way through the service I could feel my mothers eyes burning into the back of my head because I didn't sing, or participate in the prayers - doing this would be hypocritical of me because I don't believe in any sort of religion. But I won't go on about that. I spent most of the funeral thinking about the music I'd have at my funeral, or if there was going to be a buffet at the pub after the funeral, because I hadn't eaten yet.
One thought did cross my mind, what if the two people I do genuinely care about died. What would I do at their funerals? Would I cry? Say a speech? I don't know. But one thing did settle in my mind, if they were both to die. I would only be able to attend one of the funerals, because her parents hate me.
I don't love her anymore, but I still care. She was a big part of my life for a long time and its hard to stop caring about someone so easily. Especially her, shes been the only person to penetrate my walls and got to know the real me, and she apparently loved what she saw. But after she left she left me with a lot of confidence and trust issues. Now I couldn't get close to someone if I tried, and that hurts.
But at the end of the day I just don't care. I get on with my life and watch the world past me by daily, I'm my own person, and I would like to share myself with someone, but its going to take a lot of time for me to meet somebody I feel genuinely about.
(Note: I do care about people, about the few friends I've got. Without them I would've gone to bed and not woken up a long time ago. Just I don't worry about it, I know that throughout the history of time people have gone through worse, or exactly the same, troubles as another person. We're not unique, so I honestly feel its not worth crying over. Everything works out in the end. It always does.)
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