Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Thusly things begin to get deep again.

So many things to discuss with you. Try to make yourself comfortable, and before I begin writing this blog post I will tell you, I've smoked too much and I feel a little bit ill. I'm not proud of that, In fact I'm ashamed. I pride myself on knowing my limits but today I've taken the piss and that's not nice. However I'm hoping to tap into that part of my brain that doesn't usually come out, so I can somewhat help myself. I'm already there in a way, its just getting it down.

Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.

Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.

I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.

But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.

I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.

I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.

However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.

Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.

But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.

I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.

I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.

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