Bromance

Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.

My best friend has gone to University, and he's having the time of his life. I'm missing him a lot more than I had originally thought, I've done nothing but mope around and smoke weed all the while feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

Today I made a mistake that's becoming alarmingly popular, I'll start writing him a text asking him to come over, only for me to remember he's not in the Steadding anymore...

I guess I took for granted how much it meant to me having someone who is close to me around me all of the time like that, every night we'd get retarded, listen to music and shoot the shit... now I don't have any of that anymore.

I still have friends but its not the same, its not the same as when he came over.

But this is how the world works, and again I am in no unique position. I'm sure many people have experienced what I'm going through right now, usually this train of thought makes me feel better about situations, but not this time.


But I'll never let him know how much I miss him, because he's making the most of himself and I don't want to ruin that for him. So instead I'll slowly crawl back under that rock that I used to be under, I'll start watching everyone around me pass me by whilst I wallow in self pity.


The next 12 months will be the hardest I've ever had to endure, I pray to whatever higher being that they send some good news my way. I'm due some.

Oddworld.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, perhaps I haven't been feeling like a moody teenage since my birthday. Things haven't been bad, but they've not been good either. My days have been pretty mediocre at best, I could almost predict how they would end up.

I was meaning to write a post about my birthday and I never got around to it, until now. I hope you're comfortable, get your drug of choice ready - I have a feeling this post may be a little bit longer than usual.

I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but around my birthday I tend to shy away from people and lock myself away. I don't like birthdays, well actually that's a lie, I don't like my birthdays. I'm the sort of person that very rarely gets excited, I take everything with a pinch of salt. I like to think I have a good grasp of everything around me, nothing is new or original, its just there and I'm just making the most of how it can service me. I'm content with everything, every event, everything.

Apart from my birthday. Perhaps it stems from being a child, I never had a proper birthday party, I never had friends over on my birthday, I never had a party at 'Wacky Warehouse' (No matter how much I pestered my mum). My mum would cook something or we'd go for a pub dinner, then we'd have birthday cake, I'd go to bed and that would be it - birthday over and done with, no songs, no dancing, no friends. Over and done with, seemingly in the blink of an eye.

Its been like that every year for as long as I can remember. My 18th was a little bit better, to say the least, she had made a pretty big effort in trying to make it a little bit special, but at the end of the day ( as much as I appreciated the effort ) my 18th was just like any other birthday, no friends, no songs, no dancing, no singing, no good times. Just a meal at a pub/restaurant, birthday cake, and then its the next day and my birthday had passed in the blink of an eye, yet again. The only thing that made it any different was the fact I woke up next to someone I genuinely loved. It was nice to receive a kiss and a 'happy birthday, gorgeous'.

This year was no different, a week or so prior to my birthday I started shunning people away, didn't mention what was happening, and moped around like morbid Melvin. All the while secretly hoping that when Sunday came around, I'd arrive at my step dads house to find all my family friends waiting for me, to have a good time and celebrate me turning 19.

Then on Friday my mum rang me to tell me that only a small portion of the family could come, which I didn't class a big deal as I have a family so large, a small portion of it would probably be large compared to someones else family.

So Sunday came around and I arrived in Chesterfield at my step-dads house. The family slowly but surely started to arrive. No one wished me a happy birthday, no one had gotten me a card. No one asked if I was having a good day, or how I was feeling. I was ignored completely, they were all far too interested in looking at my Aunt Ruth's holiday photographs.

I went home, smoked a joint that was far too big for me to handle on my own. I got in the shower with all the lights off with "Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago" playing. I don't remember much apart from turning the lights back on after the album had finished and thinking I had a set of ten old mens faces on the tips of my fingers.

A few days before, however, I had tried organizing a meal for me and some friends. No one came.

My birthday, in short, was shit. Just like it has been every other year, I've decided that from now on I won't be celebrating my birthday anymore, its just the one day of the year I get my hopes up for, only to be disappointed. No more birthdays for Jack, that's the last birthday I'll celebrate.

Alpha, Beta... Omega

We (the collective we) Omegas are the lowest of the low. Society looks down on us, barely acknowledges us, hurts us, belittles us... They live their lives seemingly problem free, where as we get to handle the shit they cause.

They outcast us, don't allow us in their social circles. So most of us don't speak to many other people, reducing our chances to meet others like ourselves.

As time moves on, the more hurt we experience, the more we become accustomed to our loneliness. The defenses around our hearts and emotions grow taller and stronger, some people may take a liking to us and try to get to know us, but because of selfish people before them our defenses are strong, and they never break through them. Leaving us alone once again, wondering how we've deserved the curse we carry.

Perhaps its just me clinging desperately onto that last scrap of naivety I have, I shrug my shoulders and I move on, my defenses get stronger... In hope that one day someone will come a long and see the true potential with me. They'll break down those defenses and take a peek at the true me, and they'll love what they see. Slowly but surely all the trust issues, all the hurt, all the anxiousness and all of the pent up sadness will diminish, all because that one person persisted.

I wait patiently in anticipation for my fortress to crumble at the hands of another.

Flume

In about 25 minutes I will be turning 19 years old. I wave farewell to the 'best year of my life' and say hello to just another year. I'm sure that around this time of year everyone goes through that brief period where they reflect upon their lives so far, they weigh up the good and the bad times and determine if they've had a good life or not. I'm sure everyone does it... Right?

Well today that is exactly what I've done. No matter what I've been doing, in the very back of my brain I've been reflecting, and wondering, about my life so far. I had to really strain to think of good times I've had, because the bad memories would be far more prominent. Perhaps this is because these are times that have made me a much stronger person, or perhaps just because I'm a morbid cunto.

So I determined my life has been shite so far, and I start to wonder how different being 19 will be to being 18. My guess is not very much, but I do have this overwhelming voice shouting inside my cranium: "Work hard, Jack! This is the last chance you've got!" over and over. I'm determined to do well at college, start saving my money. I need to sort my life out, and sharpish.

I'm scared this year is going to be another shit one, where nothing good happens. To be honest, I can see it happening already.



On a lighter note, I think I found the second steadding. In the wheel of time books, their are a few steaddings dotted about the world. I'm starting to think that our world might be the same as that.

The second steadding is located on the border between North Wales and England. Oswestry. I've never been to a place I so instantly felt at home and welcomed at.


I have to visit there again at some point, its beautiful.

Thusly things begin to get deep again.

So many things to discuss with you. Try to make yourself comfortable, and before I begin writing this blog post I will tell you, I've smoked too much and I feel a little bit ill. I'm not proud of that, In fact I'm ashamed. I pride myself on knowing my limits but today I've taken the piss and that's not nice. However I'm hoping to tap into that part of my brain that doesn't usually come out, so I can somewhat help myself. I'm already there in a way, its just getting it down.

Up until recently no one in my life has really given me a chance, they've always dismissed me as a doss about and a loser, they've never thought to have a bit of hope and acknowledgement in me, to give me the chance to show that I can make something of myself and do people proud. Its always been a depressing subject for me, as I was growing up I could tell my Dad was disappointed that I wasn't growing up into the man he wanted me to be. He's a hard grafter, works in the steel industry, likes his bitter and football. I'm the exact opposite in every way, and whenever I'd tell him my ambitions, or when I decided to do something, I could see the sorrow in his eyes glaring at me. Since then no one has ever really took an interest in me, they don't assume I'm worth their time.

Except my cousin Ben. When I left my last job I rang him to ask if he could sort me job out as I knew he had a lot of connections, but instead of passing me onto somebody else to try and get a job he gave me one himself. Thanks to him I've been privileged enough to go to festivals, meet famous people and earn my own whack. All the while my cousin has kept telling me I'm doing a good job, always praising me and saying to others that I'm good at my job. He said to the big boss John that I'm not work shy. Which is a big thing, as John is the biggest vintage clothing supplier in the UK, and thanks to my cousin just giving me the chance, I know him on a personal level. That's so good.

I don't think Ben will ever understand how truly great full I am that he's given me this chance, he saw the potential and is giving it his all to get it out, and it feels good.

But now to swiftly move to a downer. I live this life of self hate and depression, all because of a teenage relationship I got myself too far into. I don't regret that it taught me a lot, but it has left me a damaged person. However I'm never going to recover because both me and her cling desperately onto the contact with one another, we can't live our lives without each other, but we can't live them together. We correspond on a regular basis, we're the first port of call if some bad shit is going down.

I know I should burn the bridge, but I don't think I'd benefit from that. I'd worry far too much. I know I have feelings for her, but at the end of the day I'm young and I can't expect to find the love of my life whilst I'm still so young. But I keep telling myself I'll settle for less because I'll be too scared of never experiencing the same level of love that I felt then.





I've been away working at Leeds Festival here in the UK at our vintage stall, it was a nice experience and it was bleeding hard work. I won't go on about it, there isn't anything to report. I worked at a festival for over 12 hours shifts constantly stoned, and then went to sleep in an uncomfortable tent. It's not even worth mentioning.

However when I got back, the rooms had been altered in the house. My mums room was now next to mine, and I wasn't ok with this. My mum and sister had done this whilst I was at Leeds Festival, without telling me, because they knew I wouldn't kick up a fuss, and when I came home it'd be too late to do anything about it.

Thats what I thought, I got back and played hell. Only to informed that my mum had moved out, and I now had both attic rooms to myself. I've made good use of that already.

But that is not the point, the point is, for the next 12 months I'll be living with my sister semi independently, and that's a lot to take in. Then in 12 months time I'll be living completely independently, hundreds of miles away from home.

I'll finally be cutting my brances and growing new ones, meeting tens of new people, interacting with different people and experience different things.


I'm long due it, I need it sooner rather than later.

Don't worry, man. I'll go to the loonie bin with you

If I keep this up, the loonie bin is where I'll end up.


I can't really recall anything from this weekend that has been of any significance. Two student scum watching movies with fits of the giggles eating cheese on toast like its going out of fashion. I'm a living stereotype. Is that a good thing? Is it good for people to distinguish you as 'that one guy'. Personally I'm not sure, I've got a lot of good memories associated with my 'stereotype'. None bad as of yet.

But what does this say about me as a person? Is it a bad thing that I'm like this, do society look upon me with disapproving or amused eyes? I personally believe, and this may or may not have anything to do with my state of mind, that I should not care. I know what I'm worth.


I'm also at a time in my life where in just a mere 12 months I'll be going to university, and whenever I think about that I nearly soil myself with nerves. I'm not sure exactly where these nerves stem from, other than the fact going to university is actually something to be nervous about, but more of a "I'm going to lose everything" sort of nerve, I'll have to rebuild my life again and I don't want to, its terrifying.

Although I know where this stems from. Her. When she went to uni I lost her, and thus everything. I'm scared the same is going to happen, to a degree.

Never mind. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, if any of you reading this are interested, or want to give me your opinion, here are my 5 university choices.

1.) Edinburgh Napier
2.) Brighton Uni
3.) Manchester Met
4.) Sheffield Hallam
5.) Northampton Uni

Returning to the Steadding.

Now before I continue with this post I want to say that I apologize for my lack of update in the past few weeks, I also want to explain what a Steadding is. As far as I know its not even a proper word. It comes from my favorite set of books: The Wheel of Time. The Steadding is a place where the Ogier live, they can leave the Steadding but if they're away for a long period of time they start to die, and have to return. The books spoke to me in such a way that they changed my life, and opened my eyes to a lot. So much so I got the Wheel of Time logo permanently tattooed on my skin forever.

This past week I've been staying with relatives who live a bit up north, looking after my cousins. Which I don't mind as I love my cousins to bits, they're young and have that "I can do ANYTHING" attitude. Its refreshing.

I stayed there Sunday-Friday. By Wednesday the Steadding was calling for me, I did nothing but mope around the house and feel sorry for myself, I hate the house where I live but my town is amazing. A stones throw away from everything and all my friends are close by, I could never leave this town if I tried.

The same could be said for any place where somebody lives, but South Yorkshire has this pull on me, it keeps me sane, my comfort zone. I cannot explain to you the hold it has on me.

All day Friday I was clock watching, waiting for my ride home to get here so I could return back to the steadding. I was pale, I had cold sweats, I was answering with single words.

The car journey home I felt no better, in fact I felt worse. Then it happened. As soon as the car passed from North Yorkshire to South, I was fine. I picked immediately back up. I was home, back in the steadding. Back in my steadding.



On Thursday my best friend got his A level results and got into his university of choice. I cried myself to sleep that night, I was so upset I couldn't have been there. I was upset that in a matter of weeks my best friend of 18 years will be leaving me and I won't be seeing him as often anymore. I'll have next to nothing left for me, no one to smoke weed and get deep with. No one there to tell me everything is ok, no one to watch obscure Sitcoms with.

Last night I got us an 1/8th, I rolled a big spliff and before lighting it I told him:

"To the first day, of the rest of our lives"

Neither him nor me are the type of people to wear our hearts on our sleeve. But it was safe to say that we were both touched.



But as my world begins to slowly crumble away once again, when life has fucked me hard. I refuse to be fucked. I will stand up tall and over come these demons, these chains of unfortunate events will no longer bind me and I will stand up tall and scream my name from the rooftops. My name is Jack, and I am here to fuck shit up and show the world I am worth something. Everything.

"The internets been so dull without you"

Believe me when I say a life without internet is a life not worth living. I felt completely cut off, from everything. I was washed over by a sense of clarity and relief when I turned my PC on this morning, i had forgotten how much I feel comfortable sat in front of my computer, in my own little world a place where no one is going to hurt me, where I can be whoever or whatever I want.

Depressing, it first might seem, I believe it isn't, it's helped me through some bad times in my life, where I can just come home to the internet, where all my friends are waiting for me to hear about my day, or wanting to play some video games, or talk about this new band they just heard.

A whole different world where people want to talk to each other, to get to know each other and socialize. Its incredibly difficult, for me at least, to fathom how something like the internet has created a whole different sub culture. A whole different society.

My society. The collective I can associate myself with, a world where my real life isn't involved unless I want it to be involved (and in some occasions, if not most, this has proved to lead to only good things).

When like myself you start to associate yourself with a collective, you grow fond of it, so much so you become to rely on it. Then you're cut off.
You start to wonder if your lack of presence is being noted, if your friends are wondering where you are, or your guild is starting to worry. It drives you wild.

Not having your favorite band just a click away or any question you might want to know the answer to at the tips of your finger tips. I felt almost poverty stricken, it made me wonder how people got by before the internet. Despite living in a time without the 'proper' internet, I cannot begin to imagine how it feels.


But even though you've been cut off, you go out of your way to go to a member of your familys, or your friends, house, just because you know they've got wifi. You spend days merely peeking through the window at the rolling hills. Then at the end of it all you get your connection back, and that door is swung wide open.


That feeling of home sickness you experienced has gone. You're home, and everyone has missed you.

Have you missed me?

I know I'd said I'd be back on Monday, and I am in fact one day short of a week late. This is because when I arrived back home from Kendal, my sister hadn't paid the internet bill. So I've been internetless for a week now, its a good job it gets reconnected on Tuesday. Right now I'm at my step dads house on an old laptop I found in my bedroom. Its nearly broken, but its good enough for me to type this blog post. Which is long over due.


I'll write up my experiences of my weekend in Kendal, shall I? I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but I wasn't attending the festival as a festival-goer, but in fact as a retailer. I work as a vintage clothes retailer, I tend to work more behind the scenes of the online store, making sure the ebay shop is running ok, the template is fine, all the photographs have been taken and photoshopped before they're uploaded.

But this time I had to actually go to the festival and run the stall, and it was hard work. If its not already obvious I'm an introverted person, I keep myself to myself and most of the time I am out spoken. But I couldn't let myself do that here, if I kept quiet and shy I probably wouldn't have sold anything and better still, not made any new friends.

Luckily for me there was another retailer in the marquee I was in, called Kerry, and she really took me under her wing. She must have known I was quite nervous, and shy, and she made a point to talk to me whenever she got chance, offer me advice, and basically mother me the entire weekend and look after me. This wasn't a bad thing at all, it was nice. I was there with my friend, but we were both clueless and for the most part he was out in the actual festival and not in the marquee tent with me.

It was a good learning experience for me, I had to talk to people, tell them prices and generally be a talkative, charismatic person. I think I succeeded. I did get one phone number! Although, it was for my friend as he'd gone to the tent to skin up a joint and a girl had come back to talk to him...

One thing that was really nice, is that one of the technicians at the college I go to, went to the festival, however he's best friends with my boss (my cousin) and I've known him for years. He nipped into the marquee a few times to say hello and just to see how I was getting on. I also smoked him up on the last night of the festival, I had just shy of an eighth left, so me and my friend went to his tent and smoked it in two joints. Let me tell you, I reached a new level of high I didn't think was possible. I reached a new plateau. It was nice.


Other than that most of the festival wasn't too bad, I managed to catch a couple of bands, met some interesting people who were working on other stalls. It helped my confidence a lot, I'm just hoping that the skills I had learned over that weekend I can apply to real life and hopefully break out of the shell of self pity and destruction that I've got myself in to. I'm stuck in this rut, and I feel that, that weekend will help me get out of it.


Here are some of the pictures that were taken over the weekend:


The above picture is when I set our tent up. It wasn't very big, but we dubbed it a "Fortress of comfort" and for the most part it was. However, my hair has given me an uncanny resemblance to Mike Score from a Flock of Seagulls


This picture is of me outside of our 10ft part of the marquee tent. Looking a bit awkward...



I'll end this post here, I hope you all haven't missed me too much, and I hope you're all ok.

I guess thats why they call me the working man.

As of 10AM tomorrow morning I am going to be stranded in the lake district without my phone, or the internet. I am working at the Kendall Calling festival, at the "Burn Down" vintage clothing store, if anyone reading this is attending, please stop by and say hello!

I'm looking forward to it, I think its going to be a good weekend. I'm a little nervous, somewhat, its a chance to meet new people isn't it? So I'm going to try my hardest to see if I can make some new friends whilst I'm there. Even if its temporary for the weekend, it'll still be nice.

However something is worrying me, I have a spot of food poisoning. Its not bad, I believe I'm at the back end (Pun not intended) of my illness at the moment. So far today all I've had is water. I've even tried to keep the cigarettes few and far between. I just hope I can get the badness out of me for tomorrow morning. Although I'm not hopeful. I hear festival toilets are simply delightful...


Now, admittedly this is the first blog post I've published online where I haven't been stoned. Now, this isn't because of lack of cannabis (There is never a lack...) and admittedly being high does in fact remove any pain or discomfort I feel physically from my illness (Admittedly making my emotional pain and discomfort double).

Its been a short journey with this blog so far, but its been nice to read back and see exactly what I've been thinking whilst I have been sat here rambling stoned off my tree. I'm not ashamed, but I'm a little embarrassed, I cringed reading some of the blog posts, rambling about her and how it upsets me shes moved on and I haven't. Anyone would think I wasn't over her. Which isn't the case, I am over her.

I am, as someone once described me as: "You're broken goods, until you're fixed no one will want you".


But who shall fix me?


I'll see you all on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend.

Bare with me. I'm taking my time.

The big light is off, and the lamp is on. The shade dulls the light giving the room a dim glow. Giving the white walls an almost yellowish glow. Sometimes a gush of night time air will brush past my face. The steady rhythm and soft, deep, lyrics lull me into a relaxed state.

My heads up in the clouds, as per. My thoughts are taking the back roads, but they always end up at the same destination: Crushing Loneliness.
I want to enjoy this with somebody. Make new friends, find a girlfriend. I just can't do it, I struggle to talk to other people.

Why did her departure leave me so shattered? I feel like a broken man, I don't love her anymore and would never want her back. But its hurts to see that shes made new friends, got a new boyfriend and moved on completely. But here I am stuck in the same broken cycle, pining for companionship that I just can't seem to find.

Perhaps my standards are too high, but I find in todays women, in my appropriate age group, is that they're incredibly vain. Almost clueless and often say stupid shit. They're vain and shallow, almost vapid. Its difficult to find a girl who isn't like this, who isn't bothered how often you go out on the piss, or how many friends you've got. Someone who is bothered about my past times, willing to embrace it and try things out, as well as letting me into theirs, letting me put time into it with them.

Someone I can sit on the sofa with whilst watching rubbish TV, but still having the time of my life because I'm sat with them.

Perhaps I'm asking for too much, or perhaps I'm not looking hard enough. Maybe even reading into things too much.

I have no idea, but what I do know is that whinging won't get me anywhere. But still I sit here and wallow.

Thinking too much is bad for you.

There is a strange satisfaction I seem to get from rolling cigarettes. Everything from pulling the paper out of the ingenious little packet to rolling the tobacco in the paper. Fully in control. The end result being a cigarette so perfectly rolled you often think to yourself how if the cigarette rolling machines ever broke in the big factorys, you could work in the factory and be the best cig roller in the world.

But enough about cigarettes. I often wonder if I think too much, make things worse in my head. Every scenario I think of, i just think of every worst possible outcome for it. Its a terrible mindset to have, but I can't get myself out of it. It all stems from a piece of advice I was given: "Expect the very least from everyone and everything, and you'll never be disappointed". Its such a true statement, the few times I have gotten my hopes up about something, I have always ended up disappointed.

Its horrible to live this way, to expect the least from everything and not being able to trust anyone. People must get the worse view of me, I often wonder how I have friends, I must not be a very optimistic or happy person to be around.

It doesn't matter, I shouldn't care about these things considering I do have friends.

I've been reading a blog called Bored Olives lately, I suggest anyone who is anyone to check it out. Its a beautiful real-life story. I've also noticed a small community gathering around it, and thats nice. Being part of something.





I should go to bed, its difficult to comprehend what I'm typing. I'm too far gone.

Son, you've gone done smoked yourself retarded.

I'm sorry for the lack of update yesterday, I was working all day.

I finished fixing a flurry of computers at around 14:00PM and then came home, played on my PC for a little while and then decided to skin up a joint, I'd finished work for the day and fancied playing dawn of war 2 while off my tree. I got half way through when my boss rang me and asked me to work the doors for the music venue. I said ok.

Its a good job my boss is family, isn't it? I was so blatantly off my face. Then after our shift my boss invited me upstairs of the venue to have a joint with him and the manager. It was good, I had fun. Alot of good vibes and good people.

However I can only remember ordering a take away and then watching an hour long documentary on Prog Rock on BBC Four. There wasn't much to update, it was a pretty normal day and I was far too out of it to even bother writing an update. I did however wake up with an awful weed over this morning, my guts were in turmoil.


and I'm going to do it all again today! Three cheers for masking your problems in the combustible plant matter.

Where everybody knows your name

As far as my days go, today has been really good.

Me and my friend went to this shady little internet cafe in town today, we've been going for the past couples of weeks now - together, at least. We've both been going in at different times for years. So we're pretty well known.
I really enjoy going there, we've made it a weekly thing now. Usually a Thursday or a Friday, we go sometime during the early afternoon after we've just woken up for our breakfast. (We are students, after all. Staying in bed until the later afternoon is the norm for us!)

I enjoy going there mainly because we're pretty good friends with the owner and other punters. Its strange how many people regularly go in to use the computers, or like me and my friend, just to have a crack with the other, Mick, and other regulars. Its got such a laid back atmosphere that after I've finished my pot of coffee I can lean back on my chair and pass Mick my mug with a "Brew us another, please Mick". He'll roll his eyes comically and make some crack about lazy students. Its gotten to a point where he doesn't ask how we like our coffee or our sandwiches, he just knows.

He's a memorable fellow, knows everyone and I suspect, everything. He speaks fluent German, French, and Spanish, and was in the french foreign legion. Believes alcohol rub is the cure for everything (After being a medic for a brief spell in the legion, he says he treated everything with alcohol rub and plasters). Better still, he can make an egg and bacon sandwich the size of your head.

So we went to the internet cafe and had a crack with Mick for an hour, then came home. Relaxed with a brew and a cig and we listened to some Neutral Milk Hotel. He's gone back to his nanas now, so I'm back on my own.

But I don't mind, I've got Saturday to look forward to. Elliot and Josh are coming round to my house for a while. Smoke a little and watch some films etc. It'll be a nice afternoon, nothing going on so we're not spoiling anything. It's going to be fun, I can't wait.

My names Jack, and I don't give a fuck.

My friend came over today, it was nice to see her. We just sat and talked for the most part, about the usual inane rubbish that we as people tend to talk about. Drama, gossip, movies, music, the general media. The conversation got deep very quickly, she has just come out of a long term relationship and shes still a little bit upset about it. She had her moment talking about her ex and how shes feeling, I offered my advice and she took it (more than likely with a pinch of salt).

But then she started questioning me. She asked me how I felt, about being single, about only having few friends etc. The conclusion we came to after quite a long winded conversation about myself and my troubles/past was that I simply don't care. She asked me if I cared about her problems, and things with her ex and, being the brutally honest person I am, told her I didn't. It doesn't concern me.

She seemed shocked, not upset or disgusted, just shocked. She asked me why I ask how shes getting on if I didn't care. Again I told her the truth, society tells us to ask these questions, for us to live by the morals that we've been taught as we've been growing up. If I didn't abide by the morals, if I wasn't polite or if I didn't come across as the selfless person I do, then even more people would alienate me. I'd be 'weird' or better yet, a horrible person.

She asked me if it was an act, and I told her no. Me asking isn't an act, its just doing what everyone else does, I'm not pretending to be something I'm not. I just don't care about anyone's problems, and I tend not to tell people what goes on in my life. (Which makes this blog seem pointless, doesn't it? I thought making a blog might help to a degree, help me get things off my chest)

My past problems seemed to be something that annoyed her, the fact that whilst I've been through some traumatic things, I just don't care about them. They happened in the past and I refuse to let me bother me now that I'm grown up, she says that the reason I'm so cold and don't trust people easily could be because of this. Maybe that's the case, perhaps I am too cold because I don't confront the problems I've had in the past, or the problems I have in the present day. I just leave them be for them to pass me by, or fizzle away.

She said to me that shes glad she has persevered with me, and gotten to know me and now understands why I am the way I am. She said to me that I'm not a horrible person, I'm not selfish for having my mentality, she says she just feels sorry for me, and she could never understand how I feel. It moved her, she started to cry, she said that the people in my life have hurt me so much that its gotten to a point where I don't get close to anyone, where I can't trust them and I'm insensitive to the most awful of things.

And shes correct, I am insensitive to the most awful of things. But because I don't let on, for the most part, that I am the way I am, nobody knows. I attended my Aunts funeral on Monday, she died quite young, I think she was only 51, cancer killed her. All way through the service I could feel my mothers eyes burning into the back of my head because I didn't sing, or participate in the prayers - doing this would be hypocritical of me because I don't believe in any sort of religion. But I won't go on about that. I spent most of the funeral thinking about the music I'd have at my funeral, or if there was going to be a buffet at the pub after the funeral, because I hadn't eaten yet.

One thought did cross my mind, what if the two people I do genuinely care about died. What would I do at their funerals? Would I cry? Say a speech? I don't know. But one thing did settle in my mind, if they were both to die. I would only be able to attend one of the funerals, because her parents hate me.

I don't love her anymore, but I still care. She was a big part of my life for a long time and its hard to stop caring about someone so easily. Especially her, shes been the only person to penetrate my walls and got to know the real me, and she apparently loved what she saw. But after she left she left me with a lot of confidence and trust issues. Now I couldn't get close to someone if I tried, and that hurts.

But at the end of the day I just don't care. I get on with my life and watch the world past me by daily, I'm my own person, and I would like to share myself with someone, but its going to take a lot of time for me to meet somebody I feel genuinely about.


(Note: I do care about people, about the few friends I've got. Without them I would've gone to bed and not woken up a long time ago. Just I don't worry about it, I know that throughout the history of time people have gone through worse, or exactly the same, troubles as another person. We're not unique, so I honestly feel its not worth crying over. Everything works out in the end. It always does.)

Dandruff

My uncle was telling me how he asked my younger cousin what the problems in his life were. His reply? "Dandruff". Needless to say me and my uncle had a bit of a gas at his sons expense.

For some reason his answer has stuck in my mind, its made me question the problems in my life, how I find my cousins 'problems' humorous, where as my uncle for example might find that my problems are humorous.

Grown men and women (Not doss about pseudo-adults like myself) have children, bills, work e.t.c, a whole different world of very real problems. Mine seem almost shadowed in comparison. But it's gotten to the point now where I have to grow up and accept adult responsibilities, for example in the next couple of days I will be taking over my phones contract, before my mum paid it for me but now its up to me. Its a pretty terrifying leap, knowing I have to save £35 for my monthly income to pay the phone bill.

I have college to think about, too. I have to really pull my finger out when the next term starts and knuckle down. Admittedly in the last school year I haven't given it my all, knowing I'd get onto the second year of the course regardless I just didn't have that motivation. But now if I don't pass my second year I won't go to uni and then that's it, end of the line for me, I won't get into my preferred industry as I had hoped.

Yet out of all of the things troubling me, my social life and my lack of girlfriend bothers me the most. After a messy break-up I was reluctant get move on and get to know other women, but as time passed I got over that and started to peruse the opposite sex, only to be mucked about and tossed aside. This bruised my confidence even more.
But then my friends stopped getting in touch with me, I've lost contact with almost them all. Perhaps they sensed my bruised confidence and didn't want me to bring the groups mood down? I'll never know. It doesn't matter just yet, as my best friend (Who've I've known since I was a wee boy) is still my friend. We're trying to get in as much time to see each other as possible before he goes to University in September. It's going to be pretty rubbish not having him around, but I'll live.

At the same time it'd mean I would have to go out and socialize and help myself a bit more rather than rely on the 'norm' that I've gotten used to. I can't spend everyday getting stoned like I have been. I'm sure people wouldn't want to get to know me anyway.